What do I do

Someone asked me this recently. And I want to write a reflection about it. Because it’s not something that has a clear label.

5years ago I was in a point where the way that I was working came to an end. It was painful and I needed to let go of all the ways I had believed the world works. I had no idea how much conditioning, how many limiting beliefs and programs were running in me, simoltaneously creating my world instead of myself being the source of my creations and surroundings.

So in a way this is also a continual writing of ”who am I”. Because what I do, is also what I am, my essence and soul quality is the actual gift that I’m suppose to give others.

I came accross a beautiful quote recently. ”The meaning of life is to find your gift,

And the purpose of life is to give it away”

But the only way I can truly serve is to locate who Am I, beneath all the things that I have picked up on my way, from my ancestral lineage, family, school and society. And so, when I started to question; ”What do I really want to do, as a work” a huge snowball momentum started rearranging everything in my life, my alchemical journey begun.

And first came the dragon, calcination, burning away everything untrue.

There was no mistaking, the only actual thing I was able to do was prayer. The breath of the dragon was overwhelming, my conscious mind was unable to understand the totality of the situation. Still something inside of me knew, this is a force to be reckoned.

The fires of hell came about to reveal everything false in me, unmasking the false gods. It was time to start burning away distortions that had accumulated during the first decades of my life.

My extremely controlling ego needed to be pushed down from the throne. The fire was ignited to burn away the veil, so I could see. The more things burned away, my clairsentient gifts came about. New dimensions opened up. The first step of my initiation was burning away this veil, trial by fire had begun.

The beauty of burning is the cleansing effect, it is making of the fertile ashes, where the actual matter, the salt, the body of things is found. And to this matter, a true foundation is to be built. To the swamplands of any kind of egoic system, one can only build a sinking ship of lies.

Every dimming layer of lies burning away, revealed a new shining diamond of truth. At the same time the whole process was held with the greatest grace and mercy of God and the ruthless destroying power of Kali. There was a strange wisdom emerging from pure chaos.

Next step was the trial by water, feeling into the truth, surrendering to what is, dissolution of the ashes of stage one. What shimmers in the center. Inviting feminine wisdom to surface, facing the passive resistance of divine intervention.

Introducing the element of water the first time, to reveal earth in the ashes of burnt matter. The foundation of true seeing.

The preface of this process has been clearing the masculine/father wound and calling of the holy trinity of womenhood maiden, mother and crone. It was like drowning, but with a meaning, no more trying to swim to the surface, but more of diving deeper into the abyss of the underworld knowing there are gills that will able breathing.

The clear moment of dissolution was the moment I was sitting with my ashes in vipassana. I was just looking and feeling into the remnants of my psyche, to all the things that I had burnt away the cord and connection to, but still they were there. So only option was diving into the water and feeling trough all, what is true for me, what is the weightless substance, the real me that will continue existense in my field.

It was quite a harsh process, but I was so held with nature, super light food almost fasting state for many months which enabled the emotions to flow effortlessly through, sleeping outside and not having much responsibilities, it was only full on feeling work for me.

Before this I had no actual experience of conscious feeling work, but I was then guided to meet the people who helped me teaching me tools and giving more informations about the wisdom of feelings and their true meaning.

Gift of water is the liquid state, where everything is still taking form, before introducing earth and air. Liquid state is flowing, rigidity is not present, any shape or form is possible, true feminine essence is revealed.

The trick is not panic, but trust, dive, feel and let the form dissolve into the unknown. This is also a trial of faith.

Then air entered.

The ashes dissolved in water were still too many, still tangled. Everything floated, but nothing was clear. Air came as discernment, as the courage to stop, look, and separate what is true from what only learned to survive.

Silence became the blade. Sitting without movement, without voice, I watched the remnants of my life pass through the mind like smoke. Preferences, beliefs, identities, roles. Stories I had mistaken for myself. The weight of my false belongings became obvious. No wonder I was exhausted. I was carrying what was never mine.

So I emptied myself.

Practices paused. Substances fell away. Definitions of womanhood, spirituality, power, even healing were placed on the altar and questioned. Hair cut as a sign of consent to nothingness. Everything released with one vow, what is true will return on its own.

What remained was unbearable in its simplicity.

Truth.

God.

Being.

Only after separation did the vision become clear.

I dreamed of a white thread, descending, impregnating not the body but the space within. I dreamed of pregnancy, again and again. Not as promise, but as confirmation. The union was already underway.

Mercury, the receptive mother, met sulfur, the sky-born fire. Not by force, but by recognition. Their meeting formed a third presence, a living intelligence, the alchemical child. Salt. A heart-bound vessel capable of holding love inside duality.

This child is not an outcome. It is a responsibility.

There can be no union where false matter remains. No conjunction without separation. Air makes the inner dialogue possible. It clears the path between feminine and masculine so they can hear each other without distortion.

This was my chapter of air. The moment when remembering became unavoidable.

And slowly, almost unnoticed, coagulation began.

Not as a fixed form, but as a rhythm. The purified matter started to gather in a cleared space. Opposing forces no longer fought, they learned to move together. Fire softened by water. Will listening to feeling. Heaven leaning toward earth, earth answering back. The sun and the moon began to dance within the same rythm, which is called devotion.

This union lives in the heart. A quiet dance, renewed again and again. Spirit finding a body that can hold it.

This is alchemy as I know it. Not symbolism, but digestion. Not escape, but intimacy with what is real. Fire to purify. Water to reveal. Air for space. And earth for coming home.

Dragons do not destroy. They called me back home, to remember who I am.

So this is the essence of what I do. I’m a co-traveller in the transformational process of remembrance. Somatic alchemy, plant magic, bringing the Holy Child into reality.

My work or play is using all the realizations turned into actualizations, all the tools of bringing balance, but for the most parts, it’s about braking apart everything untrue. Divine distruption.

So when a person is on the verge of a great change, stepping into their true power, they might be called to enter my field. It’s not only unicorns and rainbows, but a deep visceral process of transmutation and coming home to the Heart.