Last bits of skin being shed.

The end of the year is nearing, two more months until mid February offers a point of mantle handover, the Fire Horse takes the lead.

This has been a turning point and a year of breakthrough, putting me against the most vulnerable and challenging parts of myself. My wounding in relationships, my attachment style, and where I am still holding, contracting, and not letting love flow through me.

It has been painful and beautiful at the same time, almost the exact same amount of both qualities.

I have met the most amazing people, many have rejected me, and I have rejected others equally. I am still oblivious to some of the ways energetic connections work. There is a big part of me that hides when I am invited to open up, and this part always seems to find a reason not to.

And as my own frequency is still closed in certain aspects of life, I end up meeting similar people, heartbroken, resistant, suspicious, and unaware of the source of the pain. I also meet open-hearted, soulful, flowing, and surrendered people, but my mind-led explorations of cooperation have been strikingly one-sided, not flow. Control, oh, you are here again? Oh, fear and survival, you too? I think it’s time to go now.

There has also been a deeper waking. A sobering recognition of how I have given my energy away in the name of safety. Soothing, buffering, holding space, carrying emotional weight that was never mine to carry. I see now how often my presence has been used as a regulator, a soft landing, an all-you-can-eat energy buffet in exchange for a sense of protection or belonging.

Practising my no has not been very interesting. It has revealed just how much I was propping up dynamics that depended on my compliance. When the buffering stops, things shake. Entitlement shows itself. Withdrawal, confusion, even aggression surfaces. But I’m not dissociating, I’m staying in my body, only leaving situations. Retrieving my energy. Letting the contracts dissolve.

There is grief here. And relief. And a growing clarity. I am no longer available to carry men’s unprocessed war in my body. Safety cannot be bought with self-erasure. Whatever is real will survive my no.

So my next mission is to find my flow. Not forcing, not searching, not looking, but surrender. Always surrender. Letting my heart lead the way, it has no issues of control like the mind.

But now I notice that the last few steps of this year ask me to step out of my comfort zone. Try something unexpected. My last couple of years have been such a mixed salad of hermit and social necessity, travelling alone, but rarely in peace and just by myself. It is also asking for silence, retreating into my inner currents, finalizing and integrating the lessons of this year.

The calling that arose should not be a surprise. I have been connecting with this plant for over two years now. But the work has been subtle, an undressing of my identities, letting go of the need to know, facing my control issues, facing my judgment, and the walls of my heart.

As this journey is taking me deep, I will be disconnecting from social platforms. I might be back in February if I don’t decide to delete all accounts, which keeps crossing my mind, to be honest. But we will see what happens. I trust that all is guided, as usual.

Wishing everyone a blessed winter solstice, a sacred time of Christ consciousness, the holy nights, and the last few months of this year.