Releasing My Protector

It has been a curious process with my protector. It began with a sudden cry. I found myself longing, calling, summoning my protector. But only now is it becoming visible to me that the summoning was actually for release.

I needed to cry her out, my fierce protector, whom I created a long time ago out of a dire need. In those times I still believed that the world was out to harm me, and I was unable to see the world as it actually is. I was woven into the belief systems inherited from my family and ancestors. They were telling me that people cannot be trusted. Even your loved ones might kill you. You need to be armored to survive. You need to hide your gifts to belong. You need to compromise and sacrifice your innermost qualities in exchange for staying alive.

But as a new dawn breaks, I find myself looking at a whole different kind of reality, something that was previously hidden behind the veil.

In this new day, I find something that really moves me. I have grown the ability to trust. To trust Life, to trust others, and most importantly, to trust myself.

And this has come through the hard work of aligning the Divine Will with my own.

“May Your Will come, because Your Will is my will.”

It has come through the gift of seeing the unseen ways that programs, belief systems, and other deceptive forces have been playing their part in my life. Not to harm me, but to teach me discernment.

Each deception has been a gift.

A trial.

An initiation into deeper Truth.

The second realization that hit me was moving from “learning to surrender” to actually being surrendered.

It’s not something I do.

It’s something I am.

This came to me through a very casual conversation with a friend. I found myself telling them:

“If anything, I am in devotion to Life itself.”

And there is no other way I wish to walk this Earth anymore.

This may sound like spiritual nonsense to some, but for those who also walk this road, I trust you know what I mean.

Because I am not here to convince anyone.

Not even myself.

Which is a surprisingly liberating feeling.

My surrender to God’s light, and the aligning of my will with the Divine, is not only something I speak about.

It is the inner knowing that all is well.

There is no need to strive for perfection, because everything is already perfect as it is.

The third part of this contemplation is having no expectations, and to be honest, it has been a difficult one for me.

My shadows of control and limitation have kept me in loops of constantly hitting my head against a concrete wall.

Disappointment after disappointment.

Growing a subtle reluctance to do anything because I had learned to expect my own failure.

But even this seems to be transforming.

Not into perfect clarity or some absolute pure state of mind.

But into a gentle and piercing discernment.

Being able to see, sense, and detect when expectations begin to form.

Having the honesty and humility to be open to them and honest about them.

Because again, it is not about being perfect.

It is about being open to the Grace that wants to free us from the loop of suffering.

And so, while walking into this third realization, I found my protector standing there.

And finally understood that I had summoned her for releasing.

My protector has been keeping me from stepping forward.

Not out of malice, but because that is exactly why I created her.

To keep me “out of trouble.”

To hold the armor between me and Life.

Only until I was ready to step into Life as it is.

With trust.

With the ability to surrender.

And without allowing expectations of any kind to take root in my Garden of Eden.

So before walking through the portal that is now opening before me, I deeply thank my protector and release her from her duties.

She will most probably not vanish.

She is not evil.

But the work she once did is now complete.

I am entering a world where I want to make mistakes.

I want access to the full creative potential that has been locked away within the armor she carried.

So we part ways as friends.

And if ever I feel the need for her services again, I know where to find her.

As the new glimmering portal in the center of my heart opens, I can feel wings growing from my back, while at the same time roots reach deeper into this present moment.

I am here.

And it is enough.